


lost in you

by lovemenow



Category: JBJ (Band), MXM (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Alternate Universe - Photographer, Donghyun, Gay, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, M/M, MxM - Freeform, Slow Build, Youngmin - Freeform, idk what to tag you really just have to read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 12:16:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14748695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemenow/pseuds/lovemenow
Summary: an arrogant, renowned model who the whole world loves; a passionate, rising photographer who has no time for love.





	lost in you

**Author's Note:**

> for jin :)
> 
> anyway model!kdh really floats my boat and photographer boyfriend im youngmin SHAKES it so why shouldn’t combine those two into one fic hohoho
> 
> loved writing this loaaads, i hope you guys enjoy it just as much. talk to me on twitter @arcadianlym!
> 
> muahhh  
> lovemenow

_Day 67_ |  **May 17**

Kim Donghyun is shooting with us today?  
Should I be bothered? Worried? I don't know.  
As long as he doesn't give me attitude, I'm fine.

I hope the day ends quicker today;  
I just want to go home and sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The studio has been fully set up with a white backdrop and lights, the tripod stand and the professional camera sitting prettily in the middle of the room. Youngmin takes small sips of his coffee, taking a seat on one of the black foldable chairs beside Kenta. He sets the paper cup down and lets out a long sigh, placing his hands on the table. He's tired. Exhausted. He's been fully booked since last week, and it's been difficult to get enough sleep. It's good money, but thinking about it now, Youngmin would rather have at the most three or four shoots per week. Ten shoots, whether it be with or without Kenta, are enough to drive him mad.

 

"Kim Donghyun is here," one of the staff tells Youngmin, before going around the room to do last-minute touch-ups of the place. Kenta gives his shoulder a light squeeze, leaving the room after wishing him good luck and informing Youngmin that he was going to be at Studio 3. The elder nods, the ends of his mouth curling up slightly to form a small smile. For the next few minutes, he remains slumped on the chair, downing what's left of his latte.

 

Not long later, two men enter the studio. Both were about the same height, relatively looking the same age. Youngmin gets on his feet to greet them, shaking their hands and exchanging warm smiles. "It's a pleasure to meet you," he breaks the silence. He takes one glance at the slightly shorter man and immediately recognises him as  _the_ model.

 

Probably the whole world is nuts for Kim Donghyun. He's got it all, anyway —— looks, height, money —— there aren't any reasons to actually have something on this guy. Except maybe for the fact that he  _knows_ that he's loved globally and he thinks he's some big-shot, and that he's the pickiest and proudest model in the industry. Some say he treats his photographers like shit and doesn't pay them the promised amount if he's not satisfied. Others claim that he's a two-faced jerk who acts all nice and proper around female fans but is a complete douchebag to staff. Youngmin silently hopes he dies of a heart attack just about right now.

 

"Uh, we're all set. You can go get ready in the dressing room," Youngmin motions to the back. "Just come out when you're ready."

 

 

 

Kim Donghyun comes out looking effortless. A simple grey t-shirt. Skinny jeans. A plain bomber jacket.

 

Youngmin was expecting something more, almost more pristine and expensive. But he's not exactly wrong about the expensive part —— a gold Rolex  _did_ wrap prettily around his wrist, alongside a silver cuff and chain on his other hand. If Kenta was here he would probably say that his hair was styled by God himself, and Youngmin can't find the words to describe the way it was tousled and messed around with, but it did look nice.

 

The renowned model clenches his jaw, padding over to the stool situated directly in front of the camera. He takes a seat, pushing up the sleeves of the jacket slightly and fiddling with the chain on his wrist. His dark eyes consider the photographer, who is cautiously adjusting his camera lens. Donghyun clears his throat, taking Youngmin aback just a little bit. "Are you done, Mr. Im?"

 

"Oh, um, yeah. Sorry about that," Youngmin looks up at the younger man and grabs the camera off the tripod. "Whenever you're ready."

 

Donghyun expertly strikes poses. Fierce gazes, sharp movements, bold expressions —— he does it all with no trouble whatsoever. Considering it's the first time Youngmin is doing a shoot with him, he can't deny that he's impressed. Most definitely, it makes his job about ten times less burdensome, because Donghyun knows what he's doing and doesn't need to take instructions from Youngmin. Why can't all the models he works with be like this?

 

"Twenty-five shots. Let's take a break," one of the staff calls out. Donghyun gets up from the stool and walks towards the table where the photos are being displayed at, carefully analysing the shots. Youngmin lets out a long exhale, rubbing his eyes and pouring himself a cup of the ice water from the dispenser. Maybe work would end faster than expected today. Maybe his two-month long hope of being able to lounge around in his condo for some quality personal time will finally become a reality. Pfft.

 

They continue with the remaining thirty-something shots a while later. After about half an hour, they wrap up the shoot. Donghyun disappears into the dressing room to get changed back into the clothes he came to the studio in, while Youngmin and Donghan (the man who came with him, who Youngmin soon finds out is actually his manager) have small talk over iced coffee the staff bought for all of them in the studio.

 

"I was expecting things to end later," Youngmin admits dumbly. "I mean, you know, with all the stuff being posted online about how he tends to be picky and whatnot." Donghan doesn't looked fazed at all. Instead he agrees with whatever Youngmin says, nodding his head and taking sips of the coffee in his hands. "I'm sorry if I came off as rude. You know what they say about him as well."

 

Donghan shakes his head before Youngmin can say anything more. "No, really, it's okay," he reassures. "It's taking me aback too. He's always snapping at photographers and isn't easily satisfied with what's being given to him. I guess we'll just have to praise you for your expertise," the dark-haired man gives the photographer a warm smile. "It's really been a pleasure working with you today. I'm positive Donghyun thinks the same just as well, Mr. Im."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _Day 72_ |  **May 22**

Clear schedule. Clear weekend.  
Does this come once in a blue moon? It feels like it.

Kim Donghyun sent my payment today.  
Full. As promised. Not one cent more or less.

The internet these days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before he started doing shoots for models, Youngmin started off small. He took photos of city lights, sunsets, his close friends —— he treated photography as a hobby, never a full-time job. Working part-time at the local coffee-shop for some extra cash after classes was enough for him, and his family was earning more than adequate for all of them. It wasn't so bad as a high school student in his final year.

 

Somewhere in second year of college, he got himself a DSLR and started posting photos he took on social media. Somewhere also in second year of college, he told himself photography was going to be his full-time job when he got out. He dropped out before third year started, anyway. Although disappointed, his parents helped him set up a small business online to give him a head-start. He'd moved to Seoul some five months later where he quickly got recognition.

 

He reminds himself to always stay close to the ground, to stay humble, to never fly too close to the sun. Youngmin wasn't looking for fame or attention; he'd told his parents he wants to love what he does and do what he loves. Maybe it was just his luck that he got the fame and attention. Surely it was just pure coincidence that a renowned model hired him for a shoot and he got paid a huge sum for a mere fifty-something shots. He's grateful.

 

"Look at him, staring into nothingness again," Kenta snaps him out of his thoughts. "What's got you this time, Im Youngmin?"

 

Youngmin looks up at him, leaning against the door frame. "Nothing. Just thinking about some things in the past."

 

"You think too much. Did the payment find you well?" he sounds genuinely happy for the elder man. There's a bounce in his steps as he pads towards the round table, plopping down on the black chair. "Were the rumours true? Did he not pay you full for the shoot?" Youngmin flips open the most recent page in his small journal. Kenta scans the words written on it, a grin making its way onto his lips. "He's not that bad after all?"

 

Youngmin shrugs. "Not sure about that one. His manager said he was just as surprised. I thought he was going to be more picky or something. Like, a little bit more annoying? I had a feeling he was going to get on my nerves a lot... like push all my buttons. But I guess not," he says quietly, cracking a sandwich cracker into two and passing one half to the younger man. "How was the KDN line yesterday?"

 

"Just whatever. One of the models was cute, though. But I was kind of overwhelmed since KDN himself came down yesterday," Kenta purses his lips together. "I heard he's closely associated with our Mr. Not-So-Bad-After-All... maybe that's why Donghyun wanted  _you_ to do a shoot for him? Didn't he model for their spring collection last year or something in the lines of that?"

 

Youngmin frowns. "Okay, slow down," he finishes the ice water in the paper cup. "So, KDN —— Kang Daniel —— came down to our studio yesterday?" Kenta nods, blinking a few times. "Yeah, okay, cool. And you were saying KDN and Donghyun are closely associated?" Kenta nods again, popping the last bit of the cracker into his mouth. "You know... that means we're getting also known in the industry... like, it's  _KDN_. They're the second largest fashion company in Seoul now."

 

A staff standing nearby cuts in. "And it's _Kim Donghyun_. You both are getting the recognition you both deserve," she pushes her laptop into her tote bag and stands up, leaning over the table. "Everyone else can go home. GQ can go home, Bazaar can go home, 1st Look can go home, Dazed can go home. I'm happy for you two!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **Instagram  
** @kdh0917 mentioned you in a comment:  _thank you @ymin95 :) great shoot_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _Day 76_ |  **May 26**

Three shoots today.  
Probably grabbing some lunch with Sewoon... or something.

Since when did Kim Donghyun thank his photographers?  
And on Instagram?

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You're going to the fashion show?"

 

Youngmin laughs. " _Im Youngmin_ and  _fashion show_ are two things that just don't match, Sewoon. Furthermore, why would  _I_ go to the show? I'm only a photographer, I don't have an eye for fashion... or whatever. I'm not Kenta," he shakes his head, feeding a piece of shrimp into his mouth. "I don't have an actual valid reason to go to the show, anyway. Runways just aren't my thing."

 

"Really?" Sewoon raises an eyebrow, cocking his head to the side. "If Mr. Not-So-Bad-After-All is on the runway, would it suddenly be an actual valid reason for you to go? Would runways be your thing then?"

 

Youngmin knits his brows together. "How do you even know about  _Mr. Not-So-Bad-After-All_? And no, for the benefit of the doubt, it's still not an actual valid reason for me to go.  _And_ runways will still never be my thing." He coils the spaghetti around his fork, poking it through a piece of squid. "Still don't get how everyone is making it such a huge deal. Kenta won't keep spitting out nonsense about it—"

 

"Honestly, Youngmin, the whole nation is making it a huge deal," Sewoon cuts him off. "Listen. Firstly, you're in charge of KDN's current collection shoots, and everyone knows how KDN is looked up to by many. You said it yourself, they're the second largest fashion company in Seoul." He sets down his fork and spoon. "KDN and Kim Donghyun are close partners because he's modeled for KDN's collections countless times, walked on the runway for KDN, the likes of it. Which brings us to the second point: which is the fact that this Kim Donghyun dude is a model known for being a jackass, even though he's pretty much one of the most  _professional_ ones. He was ridiculously nice to you, didn't make a fuss during your shoot, even thanked you on his Instagram! Like, damn it, Youngmin, you're literally blind!"

 

Youngmin takes a sip of his drink. "Okay? So your point here is?"

 

"You're fucking nuts! He's a jerk but thanks you, he's picky but was completely okay during your shoot," Sewoon rubs his temples. "Has it ever occurred to you that the chances of him knowing you before he became South Korea's youngest sweetheart are like, huge? He's been modelling for KDN since they became such a big thing. And  _you_ 've been in charge of KDN shoots almost since the beginning."

 

The elder gives him a small smile. "Yeah, yeah, okay, I hear you. You just want me to go to the fashion show with you, right? You could've just told me that one sentence without making it a huge fuss, Sewoon."

 

"No! Oh my God, Youngmin!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _Day 79_ |  **May 29**

Sewoon and Kenta are making me go to the fashion show.  
I swear they're getting their asses beat.

Are we here to actually watch the show?  
Or are we only here for Mr. Not-So-Bad-After-All?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kim Donghyun looks dashing.

 

Youngmin can feel the heat rising when he struts down the runway. It's as if someone turned on the heater on full blast, in summer. The crowd cheers and whips out their phones, taking photos, sending it to their Instagram stories. Donghyun keeps his head held high, his pace steady, one hand tucked into the pocket of his pants. His dark hair is hidden underneath a cap, and his angular visage looks natural with minimal makeup.

 

"He's really so handsome, for real," someone says over the music.

 

Youngmin mentally agrees.

 

 

 

KDN comes in again the following month with a new fall collection. Once again, Youngmin's company is chosen for all their shoots, which partly also means a more busy schedule, but also more money, so the two of them aren't complaining as much. "It's three to four months down to autumn, Kang! What's the rush?" Youngmin smiles at the genius behind KDN, chuckling softly.

 

Daniel grins. "Just wanted to clear things out quicker. I was planning to go abroad for the whole of summer. When I come back, all that's left to do is release the line, you know? I'm giving my models a break as well," he tells Youngmin. "Ah, speaking of models. Here's the last one."

 

Kim Donghyun stands at the door, the ends of his mouth curled up slightly. Kenta, who's standing a mere few inches away from Youngmin, nudges his elbow, looking up at him and blinking a few times. "I'm sure Donghyun has worked with you the same time I had a shoot for the summer collection here, no?"

 

"Oh, yeah, the same day, actually!" Youngmin wants to wipe himself off of the face of the Earth. "It's nice to be working with you again," he maintains eye contact with the model for a split second. "We're going to set up for a bit. The dressing room's at the back for you guys to get ready."

 

 

 

Of course Kim Donghyun has no issue with the modelling. He practically shimmies his way through the collection shoot and finishes his part within an hour. Kenta is undeniably impressed, praising him for the great work and his perfected skills. Donghyun sits on one of the black chairs whilst waiting for the other models to take enough shots to make the teasers, removing his makeup with remover wipes.

 

Kenta takes the remaining shots because Youngmin has to rush off to a meeting with another fashion label regarding shoots. He waves at Donghyun, grabbing his phone and wallet before bidding Kenta and Daniel goodbye and leaving the studio. Donghyun doesn't pay much attention to him, his thumb scrolling through his timeline and his eyes focused on the phone screen.

 

There's a journal on the round table, amidst the iced coffees and magazine issues.

 

It's Youngmin's.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 _Day 34_ |  **April 14**

Is it stupid to count the days?  
I think it's stupid.

I think I'm stupid.

 

 

 

 _Day 27_ |  **April 7**

I don't want to fall in love anymore.  
All it does is hurt me.

But love is everything to you,  
isn't it?

 

 

 

 _Day 18_ |  **March 30**

I snapped at Kenta today.  
It was the first time I snapped at work.  
It was the first time I lost control.

I just wish you'd come back.

 

 

 

 _Day 10_ |  **March 20**

I might be going insane.

 

 

 

 _Day 4_ |  **March 14**

I can't do anything.

I can't eat.  
I can't sleep.  
I can't do anything.

It's so hard to even breathe.  
It's so difficult. To want to live.

Why was it like this?

 

 

 

 _Day 1_ |  **March 10**

You left me today.

You left the world today.

Love left me today.

 

 

 

Donghyun feels guilty.

 

It's an emotion more than remorse. And it's eating up his insides and making him sick in the stomach. Should he keep it? Should he pass it to Daniel and tell him he just found it on the table and he didn't know who the owner was until he got home? Or should he just be a heartless piece of shit and burn the journal, and pretend that it never ended up in his hands at all?

 

No. Those are all wrong. Passing it back to Youngmin is the  _only_ option here.

 

He's read all the entries, from the latest one —— day 79 —— to the very first one. He knows it's wrong to peek, and that it's wrong to look into things like these without permission from its owner. But it's  _Youngmin_ , it's  _the_ top-rising photographer in Seoul. Who wouldn't be intrigued by such a gem like him? What more, an everyday journal lying around in his studio, filled with his secrets and all that he hides away in his heart?

 

It sounded like his first love, the one who left. It sounded like he'd completely given up on love after March 10.

 

As much as he knows he's a literal nobody in Im Youngmin's life, a part of him almost  _wants_ to be a somebody. Somebody... more than just an arrogant, self-centered model. Somebody more than a guy who'd came to the studio at least five times because he works closely with KDN Fashion, somebody more than a fairly vain model who pays him an unnecessarily big sum of money just for fifty-something shots.

 

It's a weird feeling. The one bubbling up in his cold, cold heart.

 

 

 

"You're weirdly nice," Donghan tells him. "It's literally fucking scary, Donghyun. I'm so shaken by it, sometimes I look at you and I forget that you're South Korea's most loved, yet most hated model. Since when were you so polite and... not snappy?"

 

Donghyun flicks the back of his hand. "So it's wrong for me to be nice now? It's a new thing I'm trying, jeez," he stirs the whipped cream into his frappe with the straw. "Also, quit being my manager for a day. Go back to being my faithful best friend," he grins cheekily. "I need to uh, return something to 56 Studio."

 

"Im Youngmin's company? What do you need to return?" Donghan questions him, frowning slightly. "Oi, Kim Donghyun, you didn't get yourself into trouble, did you?" It makes the younger-by-a-few-months male laugh quietly, sipping his frappe and avoiding his friend's quizzical gaze. "Tell me! What did you do?"

 

Donghyun shrugs innocently. "It's not that big of a deal. Stay here, I'll be back in like, half an hour. Knock yourself out, best friend!"

 

 

 

"Donghyun? It's like, three in the afternoon— We don't have a shoot with you today, do we?" Kenta sets down his DSLR on the table, walking over to the door of Studio 1 to greet the younger man. As far as he's checked, Youngmin and himself have cleared their schedules for the day and they don't have any shoots until the day after tomorrow, but being Kenta, he might just have overlooked things.

 

But Donghyun isn't here for a shoot. "Oh, no, it's not a shoot, or anything like that, um— I was just wondering if... Youngmin is in?"

 

He can't quite read Kenta's emotions; he looks taken aback, but glad to some extent. "Youngmin? He's right at Studio 4. Check Studio 3 if he's not there," the Japanese man gives him a close-mouthed smile. "4's a little way down the corridor on your left, 3 is right beside it." Kenta goes back to the round table, sitting down and waving Donghyun out of the door.

 

Youngmin was at Studio 3. A relatively smaller studio compared to 1 and 2, it was exactly in the shape of a square. The photographer is sitting cross-legged on the floor, hidden away in the corner of the room. He's clad in light-washed jeans and a white t-shirt, a tan-coloured cardigan only covering his forearms downwards. Donghyun almost doesn't want to disturb the peace.

 

He knocks on the door of the studio, making the elder turn his head around. Youngmin's lips are slightly parted, and he takes a few moments to recover, ruffling his hair and shrugging on his cardigan fully. He shifts so he's facing the entrance, a small smile etched on his face.

 

"Donghyun... what brings you back here? And alone?" Youngmin is asking, slight confusion laced in his tone.

 

Donghyun makes his way towards the latter, sitting down in front of him and bringing his hands in front. The journal is clasped loosely in his hands, and he places it on the floor, pushing it towards Youngmin. "You left it on the table on the day of the KDN shoot, you were in a rush for the meeting with another label— I didn't think it was going to be safe if I just left it there, so, I took it home. I came back to return it to you..."

 

"I'm sorry— I... I didn't know it was something so personal, really," he chews on his inner cheek. "I hope you're better now..."

 

Youngmin picks the journal off the floor and places it on his lap, not quite meeting Donghyun's eyes. The model stands up and gets ready to leave, figuring that Youngmin probably hates him now or something in the lines of that. He exhales deeply, pulling in his bottom lip with his teeth. He's already at the doorway when Youngmin starts talking again; a quiet, raspy voice, gentle and smooth.

 

"He was like you —— everyone loved him," he speaks, his gaze fixated on the hardwood, laminated floors. "Good family, even greater friends. Talented, smart. He had everything on the tips of his fingers... it was only luck that I was the one he chose. I don't think there was anything exceptionally good or bad about our relationship... maybe it was just the fact that we never fought. That we never had disagreements or compromises. It was all too good to be true, you know?"

 

Youngmin breathes. "Everyone loved him... I loved him... it's just too bad that he never found a way to love himself first," his voice fades into silence. He's slumping against the wall now, his thumb mindlessly flipping through the pages of the journal. "He loved photography, he loved city lights, he loved sunsets, he loved the buzz of Seoul which I strongly disliked... he loved everything the world had to offer him. He loved me," he lets the journal drop back down to the floor.

 

"Yeah... he loved me." Youngmin's eyes look up at Donghyun's, which were staring right back at him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _Day ???_ |  **June 24**

Is it about time I let go?  
Of you... of this whole thing?  
Is it about time I let go of my fear to love again?

I want to start over.  
I want to forget dates, times,  
I want to forget little things and memories,  
I want to forget everything that ever happened.

Is it wrong that I want to forget you as well?  
Because I do want to forget you.  
I do want to get out of this place.

Please forgive me if my love for you wasn't sufficient.  
Please forgive me if I wasn't enough for you.  
I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you,  
I'm sorry if I couldn't be there for you.

I miss you,  
I love you,  
I hope you're well.

Rest in Peace.

— Youngmin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **FNews  
** BrandNewz's youngest model Kim Donghyun has never looked better in the teaser images for KDN's upcoming 2018 Autumn Collection

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **FNews  
** The man behind gorgeous shoots: up-close and personal with Seoul's top-rising photographer Im Youngmin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **FNews  
** Beyond careers: model Kim Donghyun and photographer Im Youngmin spotted together at a club

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Youngmin... Youngmin... holy shit, Youngmin," Kenta is shaking his arm vigorously. "Youngmin! Don't you ever read the news? Social media?" he's yelling, but it's not like Youngmin gives two shits. He calmly downs a glass of water. "Im Youngmin! You're officially the highest ranked photographer in the whole of South Korea." And Youngmin chokes on his water, spits it out, before looking at his working partner with widened eyes and mouth agape.

 

"No way, that's fucking impossible," Youngmin grabs his phone out of Kenta's hands. "No way," he drags out, "no fucking way."

 

As if planned, Donghyun comes running through Studio 1's door. He envelopes Youngmin in a bear hug, taking him aback just a little bit. "I thought you were still in Japan, Donghyun, what the hell— You didn't tell me you were coming back tonight?"

 

"Damn it, Youngmin, shut up," he laughs. "You're highest ranked! That's all that matters! No one cares if I came back from Japan tonight or this morning, the main point here is that you're claiming South Korea's throne as the best fucking photographer out there," he pulls away from the hug, beaming at the elder man. "Should we celebrate? You, me, Kenta, Donghan? You should ask Sewoon to come."

 

Kenta stifles a laugh. "He's the excited one here, Youngmin."

 

Youngmin nods at Donghyun. "Cool. I'll text Sewoon."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _Day 1_ |  **July 18**

I asked Donghyun out today.

He told me I wouldn't have imagined how long he had been waiting for me to ask.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _Day 18_ |  **August 4**

He kissed me today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _Day 43_ |  **August 29**

I found love again.

I found love in a successful man,  
with pretty eyes and plush lips  
with words that heal my wounds  
with a touch that could melt the coldest of hearts.

I found love in the way he talks  
in the way he strums his guitar  
in the way he gazes at the camera,

I guess that was how easy it was  
I guess that was what it must've felt like when I first saw you.

I accept it  
I accept that I have to move on  
I accept that someone else has to comfort me.

The future is hard to tell  
but I know,  
or well, I hope,  
he'll stay until the end.

Because hey?  
I found love again.

I found love again  
in someone I never thought I would.

 

 

 

 

 

 

—— end ——


End file.
